I stared at the ceiling and sighed...

I am still waiting...

They said, every girl is like a damsel in distress, waiting for a knight in shinning armor to save her from the pit of misery. I have to admit, although my pride pries it off, that I, too, am a damsel in distress. But I am not waiting for a knight in shinning armor. I am just simply waiting for a person to deliver a box...

A box not much like any other, yet not too magical as well. Crafted by the simplicity of nature's expression and a size not much like a treasure chest. A box of unimaginable size and shape, a simple tool to store and keep. I am waiting for the box, my box that hold the key to the 'door of opportunity'.

I cannot count how many times I wish I can start my life over...

Turning back the time is impossible, they said and I, unfortunately have to live with the truth of the words. I can't turn back the time, nor can I become an infant again. But I wish for a fresh start, a new beginning to reshape the purpose of my life and discover the meaning of truly living.

Am I not a human?

I live my life to the rules of the world. Study hard, get to college, study hard again, graduate, get a job, get married, get babies, live a life as a wife and finally, dies. A kind of circle that will never end. A kind of circle I wish to escape from. I desperately wanted to make a change in my life, to go out there and truly live! Truly be myself, without nothing to hide and nothing to fear. To live my life the way I wanted to. But I knew, it is impossible...an impossible task to achieve. As world modernized itself and be free, we sleepwalked into the society of constraint where an individual no longer enjoy the liberty of being themselves. We are the face of the society and we are subjected to it. We were mocked, praised, fitted in or fitted out by the society. But no matter how cruel can this world be, we tried so hard to be 'accepted' to the point we have lost our own judgement and the true identity that made us 'special'.

We are no different from a robot, who is controlled by a switch of a plug...and somehow, we do not fight back. Are we a coward? Or are we just plain pathetic? But I wish for different. I wish to be a human. To be myself! To be true to my identity and stay honest to the call of my heart. Yet, why? Why am I here? Why am I in this box? It is like russian roulette, where we have to gamble our life on the table due to the rules made by faceless people. We do not know them, they are the invisible leader and yet we follow. So one by one, we fall and die.

I am still gambling, but I do not want to lose. I am more afraid of living but not truly living, rather than being dead.

I envy them...

Those of the old ages. Those who can travel the world and learn through experience. I envy those who picked up wisdom from the alien lands and came back home with heart full of knowledge. I envy them, because they have the liberty to choose and live the way they want. No one to criticize and no one to stop and say no. The world used to be a vast land of field where a farmer can reap what they sow. Whether it would be a strawberry, paddy or just lemon. But now, the world is no long vast, nor is it a field. It cannot be described any longer...how human have destroyed the world. But if I have to choose a word for it, it must be 'barren'.

A barren land of nothingness...

I wish for the next generation to have more choices...

I wish for the next generation to have more liberty, not from the law, but from the narrow mindset of the society...

I wish for them to truly live their life, so they would not regret when they finally lay on their death bed...

I wish for something different for them...for them to know that life is so sweet and world is so vast...

I wish for them to find happiness...the kind that I have not found.

I wish for them to know that studying and getting good grades and money are not everything...

To be different, to live our life honestly and to play by our own rules are much more valuable than all of the diamonds in the world combine...

I wish...I truly, honestly wish for someone to see the world differently. And I am still wishing the same for the next generation...

Gazing the endless desert,

Pararae